In the Middle of the Night…

The River of Dreams, written and performed by Billy Joel

In the middle of the night
I go walking in my sleep
Through the valley of fear
To a river so deep

You’ll never get to be an old man. That heart is going to let you down one day. If you’re lucky it will just stop. More than likely Heart Failure will get you. Your heart will just wind down like an old clock, and you’ll spend months lying in a bed somewhere gasping for air like a fish out of water.

Valley of Fear? Yeah, I’ve been there.

I’ve been searching for something
Taken out of my soul
Something I’d never lose
Something somebody stole

A piece of me is missing. Seriously, a good chunk of my Right Ventricle never developed, but it is far more than that. Most of the little piece of me that keeps my shyness in check is missing. I stumble and I stutter and I look like a fool. I’ve got Hypoplastic Humphrey Bogart Syndrome combined with Hyperplastic Don Knotts Syndrome. I think I’m lacking that part of me that connects with everyone else, because often I feel like I just don’t fit in.

I want my missing parts back.

In the middle of the night
I go walking in my sleep
Through the jungle of doubt
To the river so deep

The reason you feel out of place and can’t get comfortable in your own clothes is you are out of place.  You don’t belong here. Nobody is interested in what you have to say, and this “Funky Heart” routine is silly. They are laughing at you, not with you. Go back to that little hick town you came from.

The Jungle of Doubt runs through my back yard.

In the middle of the night
I go walking in my sleep
Through the desert of truth
To the river so deep

Forty two years ago a doctor told my parents that I had to have surgery right now if I were to have any chance to live. I’m still here. I know some of the finest Doctors and Nurses in the world. I’ve found a group of people just like me, who know what it’s like to have these moments in the middle of the night when you are so scared of what will happen next. When you live in fear of yourself.

Walk down to the river with us, they say. We’ve all been there before.

Tags: ACHA, Adult Congenital Heart Association, Billy Joel, CHD, Congenital Heart Defect, Doubt, Fear, Self Worth, The River of Dreams